


On Your 49th Day

by Pokeluv101



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokeluv101/pseuds/Pokeluv101
Summary: On the 49th day after a person's death, their soul will depart from the world but Kuro didn't know how to let him go.





	On Your 49th Day

It was said that the soul of the dead lingered for forty-nine days until they began their new life in the land of the death. The family and loved ones were supposed to send the dead prayers to ease them into the afterlife. Today was the forty-ninth day since Mahiru died.

Kuro was never one for rituals but his family thought participating in traditional funeral rites would help him. It didn’t. It made him feel like shit. The empty and cold apartment was already a painful reminder that Mahiru was gone. He didn’t need ceremonies or rites to punctuate that. Kuro felt empty yet he was drowning in emotions and he couldn’t cry for help.

What Kuro needed was something he could never have again. He needed to hear Mahiru’s soothing voice, comforting him and assuring him that everything was going to be okay.

The silence around him was deafening and weighed on him so much that he could barely breath. His ears were always listening for Mahiru even though he knew painfully well that he was being a fool. The morning noises he was used to— soft footsteps, muffled cooking and sweet humming— were gone now. Everything he became accustomed to with Mahiru stopped as abruptly as it began and he was once again alone.

The blinds were closed, filling the room with shadows, so he didn’t know how long he had stayed in bed but he guessed that it was midday by now. By midnight, Mahiru’s spirit would be gone from the world. He knew he should stand and pray for him but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Kuro had laid in bed for most of the day now because he couldn’t find the motivation to leave their bed without Mahiru.

He turned on his side and buried his face in Mahiru’s pillow. His scent had faded from the fabric long ago but Kuro still found himself clinging to any semblance of him even where none was found. Bitterness and grief choked him and he wanted to scream into the pillow. Inside, he knew that there was no point because it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t bring back the person he loved.

Kuro remembered the fear that gripped him the days before Mahiru’s death. There was nothing he could’ve done to save him. There was nothing the doctors could do. The hopelessness of the entire situation still broke his heart because he never felt so useless in his life. He promised to protect Mahiru but he slipped through his fingers far too soon.

He turned on his side and stared at the empty room without focusing on anything. Memories they shared in the room played before him, taunting him of what he lost and Kuro tried to hide underneath the blanket. He would see Mahiru everywhere he turned and closing his eyes didn’t help either. The memories were painfully vivid whenever he closed his eyes.

No matter what he did, grief stabbed him.

Kuro heard something fall and he slowly pulled the blanket off his head. He dearly hoped that it wasn’t Lily or Lawless. They would visit him often to cheer him up. He knew they mean well but he only wanted to be alone. A lump formed in his throat when he saw what had caused the noise. The box he had placed on their dresser had fallen to the ground.

Mahiru had given him that box the day before his surgery with the specific instruction to open it if he died. He stuffed the box on top of the dresser that night, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t have to. Kuro had yet to open the last gift Mahiru gave to him. He vehemently refused to. He didn’t know if it was because it was too painful or if he wanted to cling to one last present from him. Maybe it was a mixture of both…

He stared at the overturned present box for a moment, not moving to pick it up. Finally, Kuro swung his legs over the bed and walked to the box. He fell to his knees in front of it and stared at it. Should he open it? Should he put it back? Kuro didn’t know what to do but he pulled the carefully wrapped box onto lap. He skimmed his hand over the wrapping paper. It was colourful and bright but the dim lighting and Kuro’s mood dulled its colour.

Kuro felt numb as he ran his finger under the wrapping paper and peeled off the tape. It was silly, but he didn’t want to rip the wrapping that Mahiru meticulously made. The process was painful to him and he didn’t know why he decided to open it when it hurt him so much. He didn’t know how long it took him to unwrap the present but it felt like an eternity.

Eventually, he found a simple box in front of him. There was an envelope tapped onto the top with his name on it.  _Kuro_. He couldn’t recognize it anymore but his heart clenched painfully at the simple characters. It was as if it stayed in his heart even after it left his memory the moment Mahiru died. His hands shook so much as he lifted the envelope that he didn’t know how he was able to break the seal. He unfolded the letter and recognized Mahiru’s neat and simple handwriting.

> _Dear Kuro,_
> 
> _I wanted to write this and give you something to help you after I’m gone. Knowing you, you probably avoided opening my present. If you opened it the day after I died like I told you to, I’m proud of you. If it’s a week, I’m still proud of you. No matter how long it took you to read this, I’m proud of you. You’ve grown so much since we meet. I know you’re going to say that it’s because of me but it was your own strength so I know that you’re going to be fine without me. It’s going to be hard at first but I’m going to be watching over you and supporting you. I hope my present helps you, even if it’s a little._
> 
> _Love, Mahiru._

Tears fell onto the page as Kuro finished the letter. How could he sound so confident that he would be fine without him? He was a mess without him. Mahiru called him strong but he was the one that gave him the confidence and resolve to move forward. It was his bright smile that he was always following but he couldn’t do that anymore.

Angry and bitter at how resigned Mahiru sounded in his letter, Kuro wanted to rip it. He stopped himself and merely placed the letter back in the envelope. They were Mahiru’s words and he couldn’t bring himself to tear them apart. He knew he would regret losing those words.

Kuro lifted the lid off the box and found it filled with more letters. There must’ve been more than a hundred letters within the box and they were neatly organized. He pulled out one of the envelopes labelled,  _Read on Day 1._  Tucked with the letter was a photograph of them together.

Seeing Mahiru’s bright smile in the photo made his heart tightened and he remembered the day they took that picture. It was their first date and Mahiru insisted on taking a picture as they walked home. Kuro remembered how happy the simple date made him and wondered why he didn’t ask him out sooner. If he knew better, he would’ve done so much more for Mahiru.

Shaking the painful thoughts from his head, he read the letter.

> _Dear Kuro,_
> 
> _I hope you’re reading this letter first or else you’ll be very confused. I wrote a letter for you to read everyday following my death for the next year. I also wrote other letters for specific occasions so don’t read all the letters at once. I hope they’ll be enough. There’s so much I want to say to you but I know that I don’t have a lot of time left and it’s not going to be enough to tell you everything in person. This might be a poor substitute but I hope these will help you and remind you that I’m always here for you._
> 
> _Firstly, I miss you too, Kuro. I’m not gone yet but I miss you already. Just sitting in this hospital bed and thinking about being apart from you is painful. I know that feeling’s going to get worse. But, eventually, it’ll get better Kuro. You’re strong and you have so many people to turn to. Please don’t push them away. I don’t want you to be lonely again. You deserve to be happy._
> 
> _I know you must be feeling guilty for my death but you shouldn’t be. It’s not your fault and you made this entire situation less painful. I’m so glad that I met and fell in love with you. You made me so happy, especially this past month. I know we promised each other to do a lot of things if I survived but don’t feel like you’re breaking your promises. It couldn’t be helped so don’t blame yourself._
> 
> _The surgery’s in a week but I’m not afraid. That’s because of you. You give me strength and courage. I want you to know how wonderful you are to me, Kuro. I’m sorry if I yelled at you too much when I was alive but it was because I knew you could do so much more. I still believe that. So, you can get through this, Kuro. I’ll be with you to support you even after I’m gone._
> 
> _Love, Mahiru._

He read the letter several times and Kuro felt his heart break a little more each time. Eventually, his eyes become so clouded with tears that he couldn’t see the words anymore. He could imagine how long it took to write so many letters. In his final week, Mahiru thought of him and how to comfort him even after he was gone. That love and consideration made Kuro’s throat feel raw and wiped the tears from his face.

Kuro shifted through the letters and there was far more than enough letters to last him a year. There were other letters among the ones labelled for each day.  _Read This If You’re Feeling Lonely; Read This on Your Birthday; Read This After a Fight with Your Siblings;_ and so much more. Photos and small trinkets from their time together were stored in the box as well.

“You really thought of everything…” Kuro mumbled with a sad smile. Mahiru’s kindness and love shone in the box. A small part of Kuro felt guilty and a little selfish because he didn’t know if it would be enough for him. Mahiru could’ve written a million letters and it wouldn’t be enough to fill the hole in his heart.

But they were enough to ease the hurt a little.

“Thank you, Mahiru.” He clutched the letter to his chest. Kuro saw the time and it was late in the night. With a shaky breath, he closed his eyes and prayed. 

_Mahiru, I know I was selfish today and I hope that I’m not too late to send this message to you. I love you. You made me so happy and I owe you so much. I don’t know if I’m as strong as you say but I don’t want to disappoint you. It hurts. I miss you. I wish you were here. But most of all, I want you to have a simple, happy life and constantly have that bright smile I love on your face. I love you too, Mahiru._

**Author's Note:**

> Now I’m going to go back into my dark corner with a small violin and cry my feels away. I really didn’t know if I should write this because I thought that a lot of people might write “Mahiru’s death” for the longing/future prompt.


End file.
